Voice Memo from Eileen (Meditation Didn’t Work)
Hi my friend,
I know... it's been a while.
You've been on my mind and I'm finally ready to share something I've been living through.
In this voice memo, I open up imperfectly, honestly, and vulnerably about the darkest season of my life and the three lessons that changed me:
What true self compassion actually looks like when you don't recognize yourself.
Why experiencing anxiety for the first time completely changed how I see the anxiety relief meditations I've created.
The surprising moment when meditation wasn't enough and what finally helped. Thank goodness for my amazing midwife, Kristen Shook and her reminder that the love and bonding is the food my baby truly needs.
If you've been struggling, feeling overwhelmed, or simply trying to find your way... I hope this helps you feel a little less alone.
I'm a human being, right here with you.
Voice Memo 🎧 ← click here if you want the more raw, non-edited, imperfect version.
Here’s the transcript:
Meditation Didn’t Work
Hi, friend.
I've been thinking about you. And I don't know why I've been nervous to use my voice and tell you all of these updates.
Then I realized—you are my friend. You're another human going through this life. And I feel called to share.
I've been wanting to share for a while, but I think I've been feeling like I have to share in a way that's so perfect.
And the whole point of sharing is to show the imperfections. To pull back the curtain. To allow myself to be seen and vulnerable, because I know that vulnerability is a superpower.
So, I'm walking right now, and it's a little windy. There might be cars flying by. I might be out of breath because sometimes I just get walking and don't even realize I'm power walking until I'm like, Okay, slow down.
So bear with me.
I have three main things I want to share with you.
1. I learned what self-compassion truly is.
I recognize now that I didn't really understand what self-compassion was, even though I thought I practiced it.
The darkest season of my life—those two or three months postpartum—taught me, Oh. You don't really know what true self-compassion is.
So let me dive into that, and then I'll share the other two lessons.
I was at my lowest. I struggled with anxiety and depression, and I recognized that I wanted to abandon myself.
I was really confused. I thought I wasn't cut out to be a mom. I had all of these really intrusive thoughts. I felt like maybe this was a mistake.
And instead of witnessing those thoughts with non-judgment, I was really at war with myself.
I continued to spiral in shame and negativity.
And so I learned that true self-compassion is holding ourselves through the darkest moments.
It's diving into the depths of who we are—all of these different parts of us that exist—and holding them so tenderly.
It's loving ourselves more when we don't recognize ourselves.
And gosh, it was such a hard way to learn what self-compassion truly is.
But I'm so grateful that I learned it, because it has not only helped me become more compassionate with myself because of what I went through, but with others, too.
Now I look at moms and I'm like:
Girl, you good?
Are you being kind to yourself?
You're doing enough.
You are the perfect mama for your baby.
And there's just so much more compassion now for us as humans—for our mental health, for what we go through, and for all of the things we carry.
2. I had never actually experienced anxiety like that before.
On that same note, the second lesson I learned was that I had never truly experienced anxiety before.
I've always said that I have, and sure, maybe there is a spectrum.
I've created all of these meditations for anxiety relief, but I really didn't understand how powerful they were until I experienced real anxiety for the first time in my life.
I was up all night.
I couldn't sleep.
My mind was racing.
I was wired but tired.
I would wake up in the morning and pace. I was in this fight-or-flight nervous system state.
I wouldn't know what I should do.
Should I prep? Should I pump? Is Nora okay?
All of these anxious thoughts would just run me over, especially in the early morning.
And I felt anxiety for the first time in my life where I can say, without a doubt, I know what anxiety feels like.
I wasn't hungry. I had no appetite.
I couldn't focus on watching funny shows or cuddling with my baby.
The anxiety just completely engulfed me.
And I feel so grateful because I was able to utilize all of the meditations my Meditation Teacher Training students had created.
I listened to them on repeat.
They were some of the only things that could help me slow down and come back to my breath because I completely forgot how to meditate.
And that actually brought up a lot of shame for me.
I was so confused.
I was like, But I'm a meditation guide.
I know that these thoughts aren't facts.
I can meditate my way out of this depression and anxiety, right?
But that's not how it works.
The idea that we can simply control our thoughts is a myth.
And that brings me to my last lesson.
3. Sometimes meditation isn't the only thing that will help you heal.
Sometimes meditation isn't the only thing that will help you heal and help you feel more like yourself.
Meditation didn't work.
Or, I should say, it didn't work the way it used to.
Meditation used to be the thing that got me through.
And in that season of my life, it wasn't enough.
So I needed more.
I needed medication.
I needed to release all of the shame around that.
I needed to let my ego die a little bit.
And I got on a low dose of Zoloft.
It was one of the greatest decisions I've ever made.
I also realized that breastfeeding was leaving me completely depleted.
I couldn't sleep.
It was really, really sucking the life out of me.
So moving to formula and bottle feeding—and releasing the pressure and weight I had put on myself around breastfeeding—helped me feel so much more free.
I had to let go of the expectation that I had to look a certain way or do motherhood a certain way.
And that helped me feel more like myself.
And I just feel like it's so important for me to share this message because if I don't, I'm kind of part of the problem.
I want us to realize that there isn't just one thing that makes us feel better.
It's meditation.
It's medication.
It's exercise.
It's community.
It's nourishment.
It's therapy.
It's somatic movement.
It's rest.
It's connection.
It's whatever you need.
There are so many different things that can help us feel like ourselves again—to feel free, light, and joyful.
And I just want to share that with you.
I'm curious if you've ever experienced anything similar.
Does any of this resonate with you?
What does self-compassion—and choosing not to abandon yourself—mean to you?
Have you been through a difficult season like this, or something similar?
Because that's also something I always say:
There is someone feeling something similar to you.
Maybe not exactly the same way, but something similar.
And in that, we are never alone in any feeling.
So I hope that comforts you.
I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you.
You are here to experience the full spectrum of human emotions.
All parts of you are allowed to exist.
And I hope that you continue to be honest with how you're feeling.
Be honest with what you need.
And just know that I'm thinking about you.
Keep listening to your heart, your mind, and your body.
I love you.
We'll talk soon.
p.s. I've been going live weekly on Insight Timer if you'd like to connect there, it's free!
Here is my profile (we have grown to 27k followers!)